I wanna bring you to show and tell
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
