Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
