the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
