Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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