So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
