He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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