where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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