I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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