Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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