Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
