where am i from again
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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