True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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