Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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