Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
