I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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