Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
