I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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