I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
