He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
