Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
