I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
