life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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