Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
