I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
