So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
