Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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