Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
