Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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