just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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