If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
