Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
