I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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