why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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