Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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