she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
