my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
