So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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