So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
