I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
All the doctor said was why
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
