Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
