They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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