you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
