I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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