is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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