i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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