so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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