scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
