How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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