theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
