I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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